An Interview with Myself

Q. So why are you interviewing yourself?
A. Because I’m not famous enough to be interviewed by anyone else at the moment, although my dog would be happy to interview me, but she only speaks Chewbacca and most people don’t understand that language fully. Also, spending day after day at the computer writing is a lonely experience and I need someone to talk to. It seems less weird to do it on paper, rather than out loud.

Q. What’s Chewbacca?
A. Malamute speak-it consists of yelps, growls and a whole other assortment of weird noises. Apparently his own malamute what inspired George Lucas to create Chewie’s character on Star Wars. How is this relevant to anything?

Q. It’s not, but you brought it up. So how’s life in the land of trying to get published?
A. Frustrating, interesting, depressing, challenging, character building. Luckily for me, once I’ve set my mind to something, I’m not one to give up. This will happen. It’s just a question of when. I’ve just got to hit the right agent/publisher. Someone has to be willing to take a risk on a first time author and be open to reading the manuscript.

Q. You sound confident.
A. I waiver. I have bad days, but I believe in the foundation of what I’ve written. No One In Particular is a great story, it’s engaging, and it keeps you wondering what will happen next. The characters are appealing, and the ones that aren’t, well they’ll provoke some emotional responses as well. The book will provoke you emotionally. Mostly it will just make you laugh, but it will also make you uncomfortable, and it will make you think. Women from 25 onward will love this book. It’s not the kind of story you would read, put down and just say, “that was great.” You’ll have some sort of response to it. I love that about this book. It’s different. It’s not what you might initially expect, if you read any part of it, although I believe there are some very funny parts. It has to be taken in the whole.

Q. Can you expand more on the book being different?
A. Sure. It was written through stream of consciousness. I didn’t have the story planned out in my head at all. I just wrote. You can write a book and have everything planned out ahead of time, and a lot of us do this in our lives, we know where we’re going, where we want to be and we plan how to get there. Like me right now. I want to be published and I’m working and planning on how to get there. Sometimes in life, though, we are lost. We don’t know where we’re going; we’re not sure about our future, or something knocks us off track. Turns out the character in the book doesn’t know where she’s going and stream of consciousness writing worked perfectly, the story arose. I think that part of the writing will make some people uncomfortable-especially people who like to plan and feel in control. But they can’t know where the book is going, because the character doesn’t know-they’ll have a reaction to that though. Some will be bothered, some won’t. Some people are okay with an uncertain future, others, not so much.

Q. What else might someone who is going to read your book want to know?
A. It explores the whole concept of left field experiences. That’s never mentioned anywhere, and none of the manuscript readers were told that before they read it, but now, thinking about it, I wonder if knowing that ahead of time, people might be provided with a different depth of experience of the book.

Q. Explain. First, what is a left field experience?
A. Left field experience: a phenomenon in which a happening or event arises from an unexpected, bizarre or uncommon source or direction. The happening may range from being minor, such that one’s reaction to it entails only a brief surge in adrenaline and a fleeting sense of shock, to catastrophic, resulting in an intense personal reaction which precedes a transformation of consciousness and a change in the very core of one’s being or life direction. Basically, something unexpected occurs out of the blue that shocks one, and it provides an awakening of sorts, sometimes temporary, sometimes longer lasting. An example of a minor left field experience would be crossing the street when not paying attention and nearly getting clipped by a car. You’re shocked into paying more attention to life. Major left field experiences can be much harder to deal with and I think the challenge there is to awaken more into life, even though a person’s initial reaction can be to want to turn away or avoid.

Q. And there are left field experiences in the book?
A. There are. The main character, Danny, has a lot of them. She is also very good at giving them to other people. She’s busy trying to wake other people up at times, but she also needs to wake up.

Q. It sounds like the book has a few levels to it.
A. It does. And they are levels that can be missed. There’s the obvious and the not so obvious. On the surface it’s a funny read with some great characters. If you look deeper, there’s a whole lot of other stuff there. Try getting all of this down in a one page query letter to a publisher or an agent. There’s an exercise in frustration.

Q. And if they only read a chapter or two?
A. They’ll get parts, but they won’t get the whole, and they may very well miss all that there is.

Q. As a new author, you’re considered a bit of a risk to publish aren’t you?
A. Yes, but every writer out there was new at this at some point in time. I believe in this book and I believe it has mass appeal. I’m only too happy to work my butt off getting the word out about it. In the meantime, because I’m totally out there about what I’m doing, I just get to hang with the public humiliation of everyone knowing about my rejections, and I hate public embarrassment and humiliation, hate it. But getting this published is worth all that to me. And hey, I can be an inspiration to others for taking risks. It’s kinda cool actually. I’m presently facing one of my worst fears. And I’m surviving.

Q. Any ideas for marketing?
A. Lots. I’m an idea person. Sometimes I have to calm myself down though. I can get over the top sometimes.

Q. Future plans for writing?
A. More books. I’ve got an idea percolating. If it keeps doing so and starts a roiling boil then I’ll know I’m good to go. That’s what happened with this book. My top was ready to blow by the time I sat down to write it. I couldn’t ignore it. It had to be written.

Q. In the meantime?
A. Submit, wait, work on pre-marketing, hope, submit, write the blog, and pay attention to life.

Q. Thanks for the interview.
A. Thank you. It’s always nice to have someone to talk to. Even if it is only me.

A Day in the Life of a Wanna Be Published Author

6:30 am

Stumble out of bed, head to kitchen, make coffee. While waiting for coffee t o brew check email inbox in misguided hope of finding email that states “We want to see your manuscript.” Hopes temporarily shattered when only mail received is “Oddly Enough News from Reuters.”
Read about weird things happening in world, drink coffee, play solitaire, allow a million and one thoughts about ways to get manuscript noticed stream through mind. Notice feeling of exhaustion after thinking too many thoughts. Drink more coffee, play more solitaire, go to bathroom.

7:30 am

Wake up child, make lunch for child, feed child breakfast and transport him to the zoo they call school. On departure from school parking lot look in rear view mirror and notice raccoon eyes- waterproof mascara from yesterday has smudged during the night. Put on sunglasses for drive home even though day is cloudy and rainy. Get home, check inbox, acknowledge to self that behaviour is starting to get slightly obsessive. Brush teeth and wipe mascara away from eyes. Check inbox. Play solitaire.
8:30 am
Scan “2010 Guide to Literary Agents”. Flip to middle of book looking for agents to submit too because maybe everybody else starts at the beginning? Cross off bunch of agents that only accept nonfiction and children’s literature. Briefly wonder why decided to write a novel when everyone wants real life…what’s with that? Wonder if only forms of escape people do anymore is drinking, drugging, gambling and internet. Play solitaire. Add gaming to list of escapes people use. Check inbox. Vow to self to not check inbox for at least another 15 minutes. Phone friend. Whine, commiserate and seek out compliments to keep self-esteem above the -5 mark. Drink more coffee. Pop some vitamins for breakfast. Get bout of indigestion. Drink some Pepto for dessert. Eat real breakfast. Try to get real breakfast flakes out from between computer keys.

10:00 am

Find agent in book that seems to be a match for submission of work. Read over their website. Re-do query letter for 25th time because it can only keep getting better…or more neurotic, but whatever. Take last look at their website. See line that didn’t see before. “Sorry but we are not taking submissions at this time.” Curse heavily and stomp off to bathroom. Come back and check inbox. Curse heavily and go do load of laundry, vacuum house and clean out Tupperware cupboard.

11:30 am

Find another possible agent after ten more cross outs. Read all of website…every single word, twice. Re do query letter for 26th time. Press send. Press send/receive button 15 seconds later. Realize behaviour is out of control. Get dog’s leash and prepare to take dog for walk. Look in mirror on way out the door. Realize very scary looking. Realize don’t care. Leave house. Thirty seconds later go back to get howling dog who’d been forgotten.
1:00 pm
Shower and get ready for paying job. Go to paying job. Think that paying job is a lot easier than non-paying job of trying to be a published author. Wonder if have turned into masochist.

4:00 pm

Child playing after school with friends. Head back home after clients. What else? Check inbox. No rejections, no acceptances. Check blog. No new comments. Play solitaire. Find another agent to submit to. Do the drill. Hope for miracle. Press send. Feel exhausted. Feel hopeful. Feel exhausted again.

5:30 pm

Get child, get dinner ready, etc, etc. Talk to child, talk to husband, talk to self in brain. Get child to do homework, everyone settled in. Check inbox. Realize is like gambling. Am waiting and hoping for the jackpot. Wonder if chances of getting agent are more or less than those of winning jackpot. Realize might be better not to know.

7:30 pm

While child watching TV decide better work on blog. Work on blog even though have minimal people reading it at this point. Realize it’s kind of like manuscript. Is all for the love of writing. Ha ha ha ha ha. But must love it, cause just keep persevering. Check inbox.

8:30 pm

Hang out with family. Thinking about inbox but know that is no point to check it. Leave family and check it anyway. Not sure what will happen if ever there is good news in there. Go back to hanging with family. Always thinking of book though. What did I used to do when this wasn’t in my life?
Oh right…I spent my time thinking about writing a book.

10:30 pm

Time to get ready for bed. Goodnight inbox. See you in the morning.

Ping Pong

It’s Sunday, the end of the weekend. Weekends are nice. Agents don’t send out rejections on weekends. Altogether that makes life a little more pleasant. Rejections aside, lately I’ve noticed I’m much more prone to violent mood swings. On top of the world one moment and in the deepest depths of gloom the next. My life as a human yo-yo is tiring. Who knew that working toward one’s life dream would be such a mood de-stabilizer? My brain is in constant conversation with itself. “What you’ve written isn’t good enough.” “What you’ve written is fantastic.” “Great query letter, they’ll ask for more for sure.” “That query letter sucked!” ping…pong…up…down…and so it goes. The optimist in me is trying to hang on, but reading about the world of publishing is a little like having someone lift your fingers one by one as you hang on to a tree branch…your grip gets a bit tenuous to say the least.

My dad finished the manuscript last week. That in itself should say something about the manuscript. The book is written for a target audience of women, and my dad, who is 70ish, finished it…and really enjoyed it. He even started re-reading my Master’s thesis after finishing my manuscript. I guess he just couldn’t get enough of my writing. He still seems to be pondering where I learned to write so well. Um, Dad, it was during the seven years of university education, which I am still oh so happily paying off. Having actually written all my papers along the way to graduation, it appears I picked up a few skills along the way. And of course I have your brains. Need I say more? Feel free to make some sort of smart retort if you read this, Pop. The comments are few and far between at the moment. I’m still working at having an existence on the web.

Another reader has finished the manuscript. She’s a colleague and friend of mine…and yes, I would love to find someone who isn’t a friend to read the thing, but in case you haven’t noticed, if you ask most strangers to do something, they usually want money, or to tell you where to go. So… back to the friend and colleague...her name is Dianne G. She’s a Master’s level Counsellor, and these are her comments-edited to prevent giving away important parts of the plot.

Okay, I have to tell you right off that I loved it, Lisa. I genuinely mean that. I honestly sat with an overwhelming feeling of something almost spiritual after I finished it....it was like I could almost feel …{ ***}(as crazy as that sounds)… It was beautiful.

I think this book should be on the "Required Reading List" for new therapists. I learned a lot just in the session with the "good shrink" (an oxymoron?) alone. I laughed out loud when you wrote about how shrinks should be called {***}...hilarious. I loved the {}thing. Powerful stuff reading about how …{***}.

The book has a good flow to it, you segue so beautifully. We see Danny metamorphose from…{***}. And throughout the entire process of that character development you make the reader fall more and more in love with Danny with your use of humour. The {***}…was powerful for me. I'll remember that metaphor for the rest of my life.

I'm finding it hard to explain the feelings I was left with after finishing the book....a sense of possibility, hope....that it's okay to let go of certain people and situations in our lives if they are no longer working for us. To find humour in even the darkest times...that if we just open our eyes to it we'll see that there is no such thing as coincidence, that everything happens for a reason.

Thank you for writing this, Lisa. I'm proud of you beyond words.

Now let's get the {bleep} published. Dianne.

Any readers whose comments I publish are willing to give their names and numbers to interested publishers/agents to verify their comments.

Thanks Dianne, I believe in the book too. For good reason. Gotta go, I creatively challenged myself today in other ways and made some bread, and holy cow, it looks like it’s actually rising! Lisa

Unadulterated Self Promotion

Top Ten Reasons No One In Particular should be published:

10. Given the choice, would you rather read about “Jenkins at the Majors” or “No One In Particular”?
9. There’s nothing like a great escape novel.
8. Everyone likes a revenge fantasy come true.
7. Happy endings are hard to come by these days.
6. It’s always fun to watch an unknown skyrocket to fame.
5. Funny books are better for the body and soul than anti-depressants…and cheaper too.
4. ‘Depends’ stocks are suffering, and you might need some if you read this book. Everyone should contribute to our failing economy in some way.
3. It provides a great excuse to ignore your husband and children.
2. You’ve been waiting forever to read something that is totally hilarious…and based in Maui. You can pretend you’re on vacation without leaving the couch.
**And the number 1 reason No One in Particular should be published is: **
1. Someone, somewhere, somehow, should be able to do something of note without having to have sex with some old dude. Uh… sorry Dave…it’s just my opinion….

Dreaming Big... and Falling Flat on My Face

Me being me, I have a habit of dreaming big, and although as a kid, my favourite spot for viewing everything was from behind my mother’s knees, I knew that out there in that big old world there were endless possibilities...and some very scary things. Eventually I toddled out from my favored observation point, but it wasn't without a lot of scrapes and bruises, bumps and splats along the way. I still have the scars to prove it. I’ve come to realize that if I’m ever going to get published I've gotta stick my neck out once again... show my face to the world so to speak... and risk falling flat, in front of everyone. I figure that if I must jump, I might as well attempt the quadruple half-cow, backwards semi-split with a skinny latte ending. If I land in a graceless mangled heap, people might focus on my sheer bravery rather than my bad landing. Of course, I'm sure there will be some who will just call me stupid. Fair enough.

And so, in the art of the war that is publishing I have already attempted a couple of unsuccessful jumps. Why am I about to tell you...whoever that might be....this? I'm telling it, because it's part of my journey...however strange and weird it might turn out. It's all part of the process.

So...this summer, in June, I emailed Oprah. That’s right. Like I said, if you're going jump, make it a good one. Why not, I figured. I emailed her... oh... about 6 times, letting her know I was writing a book, sending her preliminary reviews from some friends. I proposed that if she would be my agent, helping to get the book published, I would take half the money that an agent usually takes and give it to her for a charity of her choice. The other half I would give to a charity of my choice. I thought it was a great proposal. I have yet to hear back from her. I think she must be busy. Maybe her charities don’t need the money? Or she thinks I’m an email stalker…or she’s not taking me seriously. I was serious. Call me Oprah. The mansuscript is good. I’d love to hear from you!

Onward and forward...when I completed the manuscript I emailed one of the DJ’s at our local Vancouver Radio Station, the Beat 94.5 FM. I offered to send in the manuscript for her to read telling her that if she hated it, she could just trash it, and if she loved it, well then she'd be entertained, and maybe she could just mention it on air. I said that in exchange I’d be willing to do just about anything. I haven’t heard back. Not a peep. Not even a “thank you for saying you loved our station. Please don't email us again.” I still listen to the station every morning, and now they’re getting free advertising on my blog. Same with Oprah. I’ll have to stop writing about rejections or everyone will be doing it just so I write about them.

The first two jumps having been rather unsuccessful and quietly deflating, I then tried to hire a Public Relations firm. I was even prepared to pay money. They were really quite nice but said that while my proposal sounded interesting , since I wasn’t published yet, it would be hard to promote something that “didn’t exist.” I didn’t email them back to point out that just cause I wasn’t published, it didn’t mean my manuscript didn’t exist {HULLO!} (memories of Philosophy 101 anyone?), because they did refer me to an agent. Unfortunately I woke up this morning to a very nice rejection letter from her in my inbox. My manuscript isn't a good fit for their agency. Sigh.

The good news is that I have submissions out to some other agents and I haven't heard anything from them yet. I may never hear anything from them. Or, at this very moment, maybe one of them may be sitting in their office, thinking that maybe, just maybe, they are willing to take a risk on a first time author. In the meantime I will continue to work on perfecting my technique, so that eventually somebody might say "Very Nice! We'd like to see more!" And if I survive all these moments of humiliation, it will have all been worth it. Oh...and Oprah...you're still welcome to call or email anytime. My inbox is always open.

hello world!

In between everything else I'm doing lately, I thought this would be a great time to start a blog. As a brand new author of an unpublished manuscript, great writing skills aside, apparently my only hope of getting noticed in the publishing world is to do things like this....and I thought all I had to do was write a manuscript...ha. That was the easy part.

A little bit about the book for anyone who wants to know. First...it's hilarious. Just ask any of the three people who've read it so far. They all agree. And yes, one of them is my mother. And so what if the other one is my sister. The third isn't related and no I didn't pay her. Hey, wait, I think it's hilarious too, so that makes four people.

Just a comment on the whole process of publishing. No one seems to want to hear what 'Jane Ordinary' the average reader has to say. How come all us avid readers who dish out the money for books aren't considered to be legit in our critiques of books. We're the ones actually spending the money for the things. You can bet the reviewers from the papers and the magazines aren't paying for their copies...just a thought.

Back to the manuscript. It's hilarious. Whoops. Said that already. It's a dark, edgy contemporary comedy about a therapist who has a breakdown and her unorthodox journey toward putting her life back together. Along for the ride are : the world's ugliest dog, a couple of strange psychiatrists, some offbeat and kooky friends, a guy (there's always gotta be a guy-why is that?) who pops up at the worst possible times, and the mother beast with her Jerry Springer blended family. Sound interesting? It is. Wanna read it? Find me a publisher. Or find me someone who knows a publisher. Or someone who wants to change their life and wants to be a publisher. Quick before my fingers go numb.

I've had three rejections from agents so far, and I'll take that as a good sign. Apparently Gone with Wind had over a hundred rejections. It would seem that if you write something really good it takes a while before the the people who publish can figure that out. Hmm.

Wish me luck, this is my journey. Lisa