Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Query Letters I Haven't Sent

I'm still working away at perfecting the query letter that will actually get an agent to ask for my work. Life would have been easier if I had written a less complex novel, something I need to remember for my next work. In between all my struggling and hair pulling and tantrums, I've entertained myself with writing queries that I don't actually send. If nothing else, they reveal my twisted sense of humor, might give someone a laugh, and show little bits about the book.

One half-whacked literary agent with a slightly off kilter, crazed but humorous sensibility who is enamoured with the stupidly inane to represent my charmingly doltish, uniquely quirky, off-centered and heretofore leaning to the right social commentary disguised as a fluffy fur ball manuscript. If this description doesn't fit you, don't bother applying for the position to represent me, as we'll obviously be a match made in Hades. Applications only accepted from those agents with a track record of publishing bestsellers. Due to the overwhelming amount of applications I am receiving don't expect a reply until at least since months after Armageddon has past, and if my bad mood continues, possibly never. Then again, if you really bug me, I may just have to send you an email telling you I deleted your application from my inbox-just for the fun of it. Respectfully yours, Lisa

Dear Agent,
I read 'The Confederacy of Dunces' which was actually a really good book. It's really too bad though that the author had to off himself to get it published, and frankly, if this is the trend of the future, I may have to change my mind about wanting to become an author. I kind of like myself. Somedays. When I'm not trying to get people like you to notice me. Oh, and just to let you know, this may be your last chance to look at my ms for free. See, with all the work we authors have been putting in, we've decided that from now on, for any agent or publisher to look at our work, they have to pay a fee- but we've put it on a sliding scale- a former bestselling author's work- $10,000.00 bucks for a looky-loo. Previously published but not bestselling-$1000.00. Starving author- $5.00. Choose wisely. PS. For every dollar you spend, we'll match you with a penny to be sent to the Fictionally Oppressed Authors Fund. Have a nice day. Respectfully yours, Lisa

Dear Agent,
I've written a really funny book about death, personal devastation, and abandonment. If you think that is a hard thing to do, try your hand at writing a query letter that says that this without actually saying it. I could tell you more about it, but what would be the point since you aren't going to read the darn thing anyway? Respectfully yours, Lisa

Monday, April 5, 2010

Wanted:Agent for Representation

I've been querying. And I've recieved letters that are all starting to sound the same. Despite your merits...this is interesting...I think you've got a great thing going...funny, but sorry...
I'm probably not the best agent to represent you at this time.
I know everyone thinks humor is subjective. I know I'm a first time author. I know you all think I'm a big time risk. But do you remember the March of the Penguins? It was funny, heartwrenching, different, weird, quirky, and whacked. Welcome to my book.
A love story that's weird. A story of revenge that's lighthearted in the revenge part.
A tale of a woman, a dog, and a whole bunch of strange characters that shouldn't fit together, but do, in a strange, magical, wonderful sort of way.
Somewhere out there in the nether regions of agent/publisher land there has to be someone who believes in a tragic-com for us human females. I'm looking for you, that agent that believes in all that is funny and sad, the one who wants to represent me. The person who wants what I have...where are you? The best person to represent me? I'm waiting, and it's getting just a bit chilly...