Query Letters I Haven't Sent

I'm still working away at perfecting the query letter that will actually get an agent to ask for my work. Life would have been easier if I had written a less complex novel, something I need to remember for my next work. In between all my struggling and hair pulling and tantrums, I've entertained myself with writing queries that I don't actually send. If nothing else, they reveal my twisted sense of humor, might give someone a laugh, and show little bits about the book.

*Wanted*
One half-whacked literary agent with a slightly off kilter, crazed but humorous sensibility who is enamoured with the stupidly inane to represent my charmingly doltish, uniquely quirky, off-centered and heretofore leaning to the right social commentary disguised as a fluffy fur ball manuscript. If this description doesn't fit you, don't bother applying for the position to represent me, as we'll obviously be a match made in Hades. Applications only accepted from those agents with a track record of publishing bestsellers. Due to the overwhelming amount of applications I am receiving don't expect a reply until at least since months after Armageddon has past, and if my bad mood continues, possibly never. Then again, if you really bug me, I may just have to send you an email telling you I deleted your application from my inbox-just for the fun of it. Respectfully yours, Lisa

Dear Agent,
I read 'The Confederacy of Dunces' which was actually a really good book. It's really too bad though that the author had to off himself to get it published, and frankly, if this is the trend of the future, I may have to change my mind about wanting to become an author. I kind of like myself. Somedays. When I'm not trying to get people like you to notice me. Oh, and just to let you know, this may be your last chance to look at my ms for free. See, with all the work we authors have been putting in, we've decided that from now on, for any agent or publisher to look at our work, they have to pay a fee- but we've put it on a sliding scale- a former bestselling author's work- $10,000.00 bucks for a looky-loo. Previously published but not bestselling-$1000.00. Starving author- $5.00. Choose wisely. PS. For every dollar you spend, we'll match you with a penny to be sent to the Fictionally Oppressed Authors Fund. Have a nice day. Respectfully yours, Lisa

Dear Agent,
I've written a really funny book about death, personal devastation, and abandonment. If you think that is a hard thing to do, try your hand at writing a query letter that says that this without actually saying it. I could tell you more about it, but what would be the point since you aren't going to read the darn thing anyway? Respectfully yours, Lisa

Zoom, Zoom

The holidays are over, and my back is much better...nothing like some extreme tobogganing to snap all ones discs back into place! I was a good girl though and didn't try skiing. My legs on a snowy hill tend to have a mind of their own, and the thought of ending up in weirdly contorted positions while splatted on my back facing the sky was just a little bit to risky to bear when I was still feeling the odd twinge of pain.

I'm waiting to hear from a reader who has also kindly offered to help me with edits on my manuscript before proceeding much further with agents and publishing houses. I've had some good feedback so far...yahoo. I'm up to about 11 or so rejections from agents, most very kind, and so far, no one has said, "Your talent is less than that of a blind two-legged cockroach," so that gives me hope. The reality of No One In Particular is, I believe, that it doesn't quite fit into any one neat little category. It's not just a romance, it's not the typical chick lit with a heroine who shops at Prada. It is a twisted, dark, quirky, but very funny look at life, death, work, injustice, love and relationships. It makes sense that I wrote a book that doesn't fit neatly into any categories, my life has always had that theme running through it. Not quite fitting, always sort of floating. Floating has its advantages though. One is never pegged as only being a certain way, and therefore there's a mystery that is appealing to others. One can sit back, observe and learn and not be shut out of anywhere because one doesn't quite not fit either.

Now that I've had some time to sit and reflect about the process of trying to get published, I think it's really funny that I titled my manuscript No One In Particular. That is pretty well how I am looked at in the publishing world. No one famous, no one well known, no one who has created a scandal. So, despite the fact that my mansucript might be leaps and bounds better than something written by Paris Hilton, or Tori Spelling or any other scandalous, but famous person, I am looked at as No One In Particular, and am therefore seen as a huge risk for marketing. Can I just say here that I would be more than happy to have my manuscript, written solely by me, compared and rated against some of the books out there that are being published? Fair? No. The reality of the publishing world? Yes. So come on Paris, I challenge you. Get me published so we can really see who writes a better book. That being said, apparently there is a huge population of people out there who are more than happy to plunk their hard earned money down on a book by Paris vs. a book by No One In Particular, who also happens to be a counsellor, a real life Jane, and a woman with a lot of life experience. That's smart. No wait, that's hot. No wait, that's not.

Happy Holidays and All that Stuff!

Hey cyber world,

I'm taking a well earned holiday from life and am heading away for two weeks, my sole aim, to enjoy myself, relax and accomplish as little as possible. Okay, maybe the accomplish part is a lie, but this is going to be about fun accomplishment.

My back still pains me, but less than it was, and my goal is to come back to the real world in 2010 with a renewed fighting spirit. The world of agents and publishers served to poke a bit of a hole in my gumption during the last part of this year, but I refuse, refuse, refuse to believe there isn't someone out there that wants a manuscript that is funny and entertaining, quirky, interesting and complex. Like hallo!! There is a block buster Sandra Bullock movie sitting in my hands and all you sillies aren't getting that. I have no problem with moving right to a movie without the intercept of a publisher, but I think the full meal deal would be a win/win/ win for everyone.

I may start publishing parts of the book here next year. We'll see. I haven't yakked about it that much on here, so I have a bunch of options up my sleeve, and after a little rejuvenation, look out world! I may also post a resume. It would view something like this. Type A personality, totally driven, accomplishment oriented counsellor/author seeks an agent/publisher who can keep up. I have more than enough motivation, smarts, and drive for both of us to make this book a success, so if you can manage to get off your seat and send me an email, I'll be happy to do a lot of the work and whip your butt into shape.

Happy holidays all. I'll see ya all in 2010. In the meantime, I'll be hanging on the beaches of Cabo and splatted against a tree or two in the Kananaskis. Cheers!